Can we talk about trusting after a divorce?

Relationship often ends due to a series of betrayals. We talk about it usually in the context of what they did to you. They cheated. They lied. They were not present. They left. They hurt me. And on and on. These are all very valid experiences and no one deserves to feel betrayed by the person they should be able to trust the most.

People ask, “How can I ever trust after divorce?” I challenge you to ask instead, “How can I trust **myself** after divorce?” I like this question better for two reasons.

1. Because we cannot control the actions of anyone outside of ourselves. Choosing to engage in another relationship is accepting the chance that they have the ability to hurt you. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have trust in relationship but at the end of the day you have nothing if you can’t trust that you will be there for you.

2. The biggest betrayal in my first marriage was the betrayal of myself.

I betrayed myself early in our relationship when I ignored my inner knowing that there were so many red flags. I betrayed myself when I chose to protect him instead of protecting me. And again when I continued to choose him over my own wellbeing. It was self betrayal each time I would pack my bags but never leave. I betrayed myself on the days I would drive to work in tears and then pretend to be fine all day at the office. I betrayed myself when I would minimize the abuse and make excuses for what happened.

To be extremely clear, abuse is never the fault of the victim. And, it can still be hard to learn to trust yourself after being abused. Same is true for those who were deceived, cheated on, or betrayed in other ways.

Regardless of your relationship story, it likely involved some form of self betrayal. Before you can move on and start trusting yourself, and in turn trust others, you must forgive yourself.

1. Spend sometime reflecting on all of the ways you did not prioritize your needs, your safety, or your wellbeing in your relationship. Write them down.

2. With those things in mind become aware of what you feel in your body. Find the place where that feeling resides within you. For me, I feel it in my gut. It is a sinking heaviness.

3. Close your eyes and take deep breaths. With each inhale accept the love and kindness you have needed all of this time. As you exhale let go of the weight of your self-betrayal.

4. Allow the love and kindness you have accepted to radiate throughout your body. Reassure yourself that you will not choose or stay in any situation that is not serving your highest self ever again.

5. Come back to this place anytime you start to feel confused or afraid. Remind yourself that you can do hard things and that you will do what is best for you.

And then actually do what is best for you. Advocate for your needs. Be honest with yourself and others about your experiences. Allow yourself to take up space even if it feels uncomfortable. Ask for help when you need it and don’t stop using your voice. And always be willing to walk away from situations that are not serving you.