From Cringe to Hinge: How I took back my power in dating
It was Superbowl weekend 2020 and I was recovering from heart break after a short relationship had ended. I was sad for a couple of days and then I felt frustrated with myself. I was frustrated by how quickly I had attached myself to this person, how my reaction to him pulling away was to attempt to hold on to him tighter, and then forcing him to formally end things (yep, I did that). Soon after I woke up to the realization that I had completely given over my power. The truth is it was a huge turn off. He was not the type who wanted a disempowered woman even though I had learned in previous relationships that this was the way to win love. It was then that I learned I am in control of my dating experience and any relationship it brings.
On Sunday, after being vaguely aware that the Chiefs had beat the 49ers, and a few glasses of Pinot Noir, I decided “to hell with it.” I hopped onto my hinge app and “invited to start the chat” to so many men. Literally like two dozen of them. If it seemed as though they at least put some effort into their profile and they had a friendly face I requested that they initiate conversation with me. I did not put any time into thinking about what to say to them. I decided that if they were willing to put in the effort with the knowledge that I was interested then they would be worth my time to get to know.
I remember when I saw Alex’s profile. I thought he was wayyy out of my league. His picture was him in a suit posing with his mom. He was (and is) strikingly handsome and his profile was quirky and fun. I hesitated briefly before I remembered that I had damned to hell giving up my power in dating. I invited him to start the chat and I moved on.
In no time men were responding to my invitation and I began to engage with them each with curiosity and openness. I consciously decided to stop speaking with men who were inconsistent, inappropriate, did not ask questions about myself, showed no sense of humor or ability to converse meaningfully, or who did not initiate meeting in person. I soon had several dates on the books and felt unattached to all of them equally. I would give them each the same chance to show up and see where things went from there.
Alex was one of those men. He had responded to my request with another request for me to initiate the conversation – which I ignored. Then the next day he messaged me something simple to spark conversation. We would chat regularly, almost daily, but not all day every day. After about a week we scheduled a time to meet in person. Leading up to my date with Alex I went on several other dates. I was enjoying getting to know people and was also looking forward to upcoming dates.
Alex and I had our first date on a Sunday afternoon. We went bowling and then went for a walk. He was just as handsome and quirky in person, and I enjoyed my time with him. After our first date he was consistent in pursuing me, thinking of simple dates like the movies and frozen pizza, and takeout and betting on boxing matches – winner gets to do a celebration dance. And he was quick to define the relationship, letting me know that he was not interested in seeing other people.
Coming from a co-dependent relationship I wondered if his desire to lock it down was a red flag. Deep down I knew that I only wanted to see him, too, but I was scared to make the commitment. I realized that I was still in control of myself regardless of how things progressed, and I agreed to be exclusive. I promised myself that I would continue to live the life I had been creating and that Alex is welcome to enhance my experience of life, not to become my life. The rest is history.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to dating. But there is the requirement that you show up and be open to many options. And more importantly, dating can only work when it is an enhancement to a life you are actively creating for yourself outside of your relationship.
